I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
my mom making me talk to relatives
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.