“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Does your wife know you’re single?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.