My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.