this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?