Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
is nasa ok