I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
#Caturday
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on