okay run it by me one more time
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]