My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.