Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
first you must answer his riddles
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.