morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster