Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.