in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
This is a bad sign
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]