Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.