I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.