“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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so weird how every mom was born today
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.