Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Become ungovernable.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.