yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?