Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother