Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You Might Also Like
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.