I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.