There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Home is where your toilet is.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.