You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?