I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.