An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.