Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea