Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks