Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
respect
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you