My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”