13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
How times have changed.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.