Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.