English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
No laws when master is gone
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.