Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.