me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.