Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.