ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
You Might Also Like
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Any refunds available?…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.