I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.