If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.