universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.