I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
never forget
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail