flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.