don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.