The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I just ran a .003048K
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
sensitive skin
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
honestly, i need both:
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?