Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Knock Knock
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.