scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢