Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.