*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Lol
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water