Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL