My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
pat pat
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!