On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
my dad has had enough
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.