I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Noah was an idiot.